there’s something inherently dishonest feeling about photographing sad moments because we are trained to think that its performative, but in an age where we photograph everything, all the time, and only ever show the things that make us look like we are living the ideal life, where does that leave us? what is most honest? the psychological implications of dismissing pain and suffering as “not worthy, too ugly, unwanted, boring, to be kept away” is unbelievably damaging and has left us in a dangerous communication with our brain, our private selves.
i have struggled with depression for more than half my life. my anxiety is unmanageable and never gives me a moment of rest. my trauma runs me and everything i do, and i am in a constant battle to not lose myself to it. my self hatred runs deep. i feel so disconnected from humans and the true parts of myself that most days i am going through the motions of what i know other people want me to be and do and i don’t even feel like i’m living a life. i think everybody that i love is going to die at all times because too many people have. my body is in a constant state of pain under the stress.
i think that if i had less of a following i would be more comfortable sharing this. the bigger my following gets, the more trapped i feel in my image and the quieter my reality gets. i know people don’t want to hear about this stuff. it’s not nice and it’s uncomfortable. maybe this is a selfish impulse in me. but every public aspect of my life has begun to feel performative and i need to alleviate myself from that. i haven’t been ok for a long time. i have faith that i will be. i work at that daily.
if you don’t give a single fuck about this or me, that is fine because this isn’t for anyone but me, really. but if this helps you feel less alone in your depression, trauma, anxiety, pain, or loneliness, i’m grateful. i hope that i can begin to love these parts of me instead of compulsively hiding them away out of self hatred and judgment and because i’m secretly afraid that i don’t belong here and i need to break my back to earn my place because the things in me are ugly.
creating space for myself and a life that works for me